Table Manners
by Justine Lark
Summary: Bella is determined to hunt as neatly as Edward, but how to stay tidy when they keep getting overcome with passion? A one-shot full of post-BD Cullen family fun!


_Author's Note: This story, like Seventh Wheel and It's Your Sister, was inspired by my cyberspace interactions with Juliejuliejulie, and she beta'd it too. Thanks for everything, Julie! Of course, everything is inspired by Stephenie Meyer. _

* * *

The first time I went hunting my beautiful dress had ended up in tatters. It was so destroyed that Edward had to give me his shirt so I would be decent.

The next six times were pretty much the same. I watched him carefully and did my best to copy his graceful moves, but I always managed to accumulate dirt, blood and rips while quenching my thirst.

"How do you do it?" I wailed.

"I told you," he said sweetly. "Centuries of practice."

"I don't believe you."

"OK," he conceded with a chuckle. "I was always like this. Ask Emmett. He's been teasing me for decades. It's just my way. Nobody expects you to come home in pristine condition, including me. You know that, don't you?"

"You like me to be a filthy mess?" I said skeptically.

He pulled me into his arms. "I like you every way. You're _my_ filthy mess."

"You didn't have to agree with my description!"

"You're my adorable, slightly untidy wife," he said, sliding his hand into the newly created tear in the side of my shirt. Desire engulfed me instantly.

"Edward," I said shakily. "Don't do that unless—"

"Unless what?" he teased, maintaining a look of wide-eyed innocence.

"Unless you mean it!"

"Bella," he said, his voice caressing my name as thoroughly as his hand was now caressing my skin. "I _always_ mean it."

I did get a lot filthier rolling around on the ground before we were through. But so did he.

* * *

I remained determined to master the art of hunting, but our next outing was no different. Once again, Edward looked as fresh as when he'd gotten dressed that morning, and I looked like I'd been through a hurricane. Nevertheless, we went straight back to the house. I was too eager to see Renesmee to stop and clean up before we took her back to the cottage.

I waited outside while Rose finished feeding her and Emmett washed out her cup and made sure there were no traces of blood to disturb me. I held out my arms for Renesmee, and she snuggled against me as I carried her into the living room to join the others. My heart swelled with contentment as I breathed in her delightful scent. Her hand crept up to my cheek, and I saw myself. As I was when we'd left the house, when I looked presentable, and as I was now, with wild hair, a streak of dirt across my forehead, and my clothes decidedly the worse for wear.

"Great!" I exclaimed in irritation. "Renesmee thinks I look terrible!"

I was immediately flooded with serenity, and I knew Jasper had intervened.

"No, she doesn't!" Edward contradicted.

"Edward, come on. It was like a set of before and after photos. It was like the contrast between a movie star all glamorous on the red carpet and picking up the newspaper in sweats the next morning."

"Yes, she noticed a difference," he admitted, chuckling quietly. "She's curious. But she doesn't think you look bad, love. Nobody does."

My family and best friend all hastened to reassure me.

"You know I'll take any excuse to buy you new things."

"You should see how Emmett comes home after mixing it up with a bear."

"Why do you want to be like him, anyway? Mr. Fastidious? I was hoping you'd loosen the kid up a bit."

"Bella, your control is truly astonishing. The rest will come in time."

"We're so proud of you," Esme chimed in with her husband.

"You always got banged up when you were human. What do you expect?" Jake's tone was dismissive. Of course, he never put any effort into his appearance. I didn't expect him to understand my chagrin.

Edward smiled at the show of support. "So you have to take a shower after we go hunting. Is that so awful? I'll keep you company."

I barely had time to register the embarrassment before Jasper once again calmed me down.

"You can shower upstairs right now if you want," Alice suggested. "I can get some fresh clothes for you."

"No, let's go back to the cottage," Edward countered. Emmett laughed, Rosalie giggled, Alice smirked, and Edward turned to glare at his siblings. "Stop it, all of you! Your thoughts are not nearly as funny as you think they are. You obviously have one-track minds, but I don't."

Emmett guffawed even louder. "Who believes him? Let's see a show of hands." Nobody moved. Not even Carlisle and Esme? I raised my eyebrows at them. They looked sheepish and raised their hands somewhat half-heartedly.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Edward exclaimed with annoyance. "I don't know what would be better, to be alone with my wife or away from my brothers and sisters!"

Emmett was doubled over with laughter now. Rosalie smacked him on the arm, to no effect. "Let us keep Nessie a little bit longer," she pleaded.

"I'll bring her over on my way home," Jake offered. "How about in an hour?"

"Better make it two hours," Emmett choked out.

Edward snarled. "You are so juvenile!" he accused them. "I'm sick of hearing it." Without saying another word or waiting for me, he stalked out the door.

"He sure does take things seriously, doesn't he?" Jake remarked.

"Oh, did you just notice?" Alice asked him.

Everyone's gaze swiveled to me. I decided to ignore everything that had just happened.

"Well," I said brightly. "I would like to freshen up a bit."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Emmett!" Esme and Rosalie both scolded him at the same moment.

"Give her a break," contributed Jasper. "She was an only child. She's not used to our special round the clock mockery."

"Sorry, Bella," Emmett said contritely. "I just couldn't resist. I was on a roll."

I sighed. Renesmee was replaying Edward's exit for me, asking for an explanation. "Daddy just wanted some fresh air," I told her.

"Go catch up to him," Esme urged. She held out her arms for Renesmee. I pressed a kiss to my daughter's forehead as I handed her over. I heard the conversation continue as I headed out the door. "I thought I taught you better manners," Esme chided.

"I didn't mean to drive him off," Emmett said defensively.

"You don't hear me complaining," said Jake. "They left, and we still get to play with Nessie."

"He's probably listening," Rosalie reminded them.

Sure enough, Edward hadn't gone far. He greeted me with my favorite crooked smile. "He's sorry," I told him.

He rolled his eyes. "I know. I heard him." He looked rueful. "I let myself in for it with that comment about the shower. I shouldn't let them get to me, but honestly, what comes out of their mouths is just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly know how to push my buttons. 'Special round the clock mockery'! Round the clock idiocy is more like it."

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"You had Jasper on your side. He left me hanging out to dry!"

"Still," I insisted. "I don't care what they say." He raised an eyebrow. "Edward, I'm wild about you. If they want to tease me about it, so what?"

He pulled me into an embrace. "Well, if you put it that way, I can handle whatever they dish out too. After all, they're right. I can't get enough. I thought your blood was the most tempting, irresistible thing I'd ever encounter, but the way you make me feel…. I can barely control myself."

"Then don't." He smiled and leaned in to kiss me, but my expression stopped him. "Maybe I should clean up a little. How did I end up with actual leaves in my hair?"

"As you wish," he said, redirecting his kiss to my forehead. "Anticipation feels good too." When we got to the cottage, though, he tugged me towards the bedroom. "You can shower afterwards," he declared. "You gave me a head start at ripping these off you. You can't expect me to pass that up."

* * *

Edward proposed that we hunt again the very next day, while my thirst was still at low tide. He thought when I was less desperate for blood, I could focus better on my techniques for grabbing and feeding. He demonstrated for me again, swiftly catching a young deer and neatly draining it. The herd had fled when he attacked, but we crept up to it again, and I targeted another animal of a similar size. The larger ones would have more strength to try to break free. I captured it, being very conscious of holding it firmly and precisely, so that it really had no room to struggle. I poised my mouth over its neck, remembering Edward's instructions. _"You have to be ready to drink as soon as you bite. Otherwise, that's when the blood goes everywhere."_ I sank my teeth into the soft flesh and swallowed right away. It was working! The deer was already growing limp in my arms as I consumed its blood. _"When you're done, blood can trickle out. The best way is to just finish all of it." _I drank until I was sure my prey was completely drained. I dropped it and checked myself out. Not a drop of blood, not even a smudge of dirt, and no damage to my clothes.

"Edward, I did it!" I turned to him and was riveted by the love and desire burning in his golden gaze.

"Bella, you're so beautiful." His tone was intense. Pure passion was emblazoned on his glorious face. I was drawn to him, slowly, much more slowly than I was capable of, but inexorably. "So amazing," he breathed. "So sexy." His lips met mine, and immediately the lust that was never absent surged out of control. His hands were holding me, grasping, clutching. I heard the fabric tear, and we broke apart and looked down together to see my blouse in shreds, some still hanging on me and some in his fist. "I'm sorry," he whispered. His eyes locked onto mine. "I'm sorry," he repeated, in a different, fierce voice. "I can't wait." In seconds the rest of our clothes lay discarded around us, and we let the rapturous need sweep us away.

* * *

Emmett and Jasper were playing with a football outside the house as we approached. Of course, they noticed that Edward's chest was bare and I was wearing his shirt.

"Hey," Emmett greeted us. "Another messy hunt, Bella?" His voice and smile were kind and sincere. I guessed the chastising from Esme had persuaded him to be especially pleasant to us, for a while at least.

"Yes," I replied, not meeting his eyes. "Something like that." I glanced at Edward. His expression was completely even.

"You're in a good mood, though," Jasper observed.

"Yeah, um, it might take me a while, but that doesn't matter, does it?"

"Not to me, love," Edward said innocently. Was he referring to hunting? Or something else? I tried to appear relaxed as I slid my eyes over to him again. He still looked perfectly serene.

"You just need more practice," Jasper encouraged me.

"That's what I told her." Edward nodded vigorously. "More practice!" Was he trying to help me get through this awkward encounter with his brothers or was he purposely fueling their misunderstanding in order to tease me? His smile seemed a bit incriminating to me, but they didn't pick up on it.

I frowned slightly, thinking of how best to respond. "I'm going to keep trying as often as possible," I said carefully.

"There's nothing to feel awkward about," Jasper assured me. "We all know you were an absolute beginner."

"She is learning very fast," Edward informed them.

"Tune into your instincts, Bella," Jasper advised. "Your body knows how to go after what it wants."

"I couldn't agree more." Edward's tone was very sober. He was definitely keeping me on the spot, deliberately prolonging the conversation. His eyes were sparkling with mischief.

"If anyone can teach you, Edward can," Emmett said.

I struggled to stay cool and play along. "Absolutely. My instincts. And Edward. That's everything I need."

"I'm ready whenever you are," Edward said earnestly.

"You'll get the hang of it," Emmett assured me.

Edward couldn't keep a straight face any longer. His brothers stared at him in confusion as he burst out laughing. I dropped my head into my hands. We were busted.

* * *

_Author's Note: I feel like I'm writing more and more tales set shortly after Breaking Dawn, because I love to imagine the Cullens all happy and relaxed and appreciating each other's company and Bella and Edward enjoying married life. I hope my story made you smile! Please review and let me know what you think._


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